My very own favorite hobby is seeing movies by myself, am I a loner or was it just plain sad? Well, I am a person who rather to do thing myself without waiting a guy or anyone to tell me to do so. I often managed to sit in the movie enjoying my popcorn and diet coke. Sometimes,I felt the need of getting away from the reality for a few hours with those motion pictures and it felt really good coming out of them. Last week I saw, Angels and Demons. Not a big fan of Catholic, priests or churches but Dan Brown‘s wits of amazement that what drawn me into. If you are religious and unsure if this movie will offend your Catholic principles. I can say that where The DaVinci code painted Catholicism as a shady cover-up group of sadists, Angels and Demons paints them with a much lighter brush. The church is shown as being a collective of good men who are made to suffer for the sins of evil and misguided men who wore their colors and even a few who have infiltrated their modern ranks. Oh well I am not here giving the movie review!! When we were young, we were taught that life was a battle between right and wrong; good versus evil; saints and sinners.Choices, we were taught would have consequences throughout our lives. Christmas was about being nice and not naughty. Religion taught us about the deadly sins and about guilt.
Every religion seems to use guilt…making you feel like a sinner…for being who you are and doing what makes you happy. For a long time, Year before, I felt guilty about being gay…I felt like a sinner for fantasising about my male school mates. My first sexual experiences were filled with guilt and remorse. I felt dirty for having homosexual thoughts... It would take me years to be able to equate gay sex with love…and love after all is something very good..something very right and very pure.
I read in the paper that the average person says majority of people lies each day even though they would describe themselves as truthful. I could not help and wonder about my day to day life; was I a saint or sinner? Some people making a joke that I will going straight to hell. “Surely I will and I will be hosting a huge party down there, all my friends will be there,” I replied. Maybe hell is one big dance party. Or maybe hell is life on our earth?
Saint or Sinner? Somewhere in between.... I still do not know right from wrong…at times I feel like I never learned that basic lesson. There are many deadly sins; Lust, Greed, Gluttony…the list continues. I can see good but I can never seem to get there. I keep going around and around in circles at times being naughty…harming others and myself. Maybe I am waiting to be saved? Maybe this is way to deep for a Saturday night...What do Catholic priests and gay men have in common? They’re both in love with guys named J-e-s-u-s (a Latino in California or Madonna currently boy friend)? They both love to kneel in front of men? Everyone seems to confess their sins to both of them? Maybe all of the above…
People seem to tell me all kinds of things….confess all of their secrets…which at times can be too much information and at other times makes for great blog entries. I work in a rather boring environment, so a bit of sex and relationship talk in between morning tea can be the highlight of my day. And perhaps in future, after work I would go to Saint Mary for happy-hour.
Did you hear that Buddhist monks started a class to repress 'gay sexuality'? its true and funny how religion tells us whats right and wrong.... sometimes the most right we can get is being truthful...but then again... who's truthful anymore these days? This youtube clip is just to show how confused this kid is!
Jet lag is a physiological condition which occurs when there is a disruption of the “light/dark” cycle that entrains the body cardigan rhythm. In other words, we all have an internal clock. When we fly through time zones, it gets fucked up. You wanna eat when everyone is sleeping and you are wide awake at 3 am.
I’m suffering from major jet lag. It’s part of any air travel and it can take as many days as the number of time zones to get over it. I should be good in two weeks! Normally, it takes me a week or so to adjust. Jet lag seems to be worst for me when I travel from from east to west.
I could not help but think that Jet lag was a bit like break ups. Your body is actually trying to adjust…adjust to life without love. I am again trying to adjust to my single life…and my future. Like jet lag, those fears also keep me up at night…wondering what will happen with the job….thinking about moving back to USA.
It has been a 3 days back in Bangkok after spent a month in New York city ( I willl insert my input about this city in later blogging when I have time). I’ve been trying to catch up on all the happenings in the last month. Who knew gay men had so much drama in the period of one month? Breakups, breakdowns, hook ups and sex in the alley…all part of a typical Gay in Bangkok week.
When you come back from holidays, everyone and everything seems to be going at a much faster speed. You see things from a different perspective when you completely disconnect yourself from your usual environment (did that make sense). I feel like everyone is running around except me.In city of angels in disguised like Bangkok, it also like in any large city, it seems everyone is looking for something….a job, an apartment, a relationship or a fuck. Some of us are looking for all of the above. Others are just looking to get rid of someone or something in their life.
I wondered if couples give up too quickly on each other….it seems anything is worth breaking up over. Breakups, divorces are so common nowadays...I wondered if anyone now stays together? We at times expect perfection and when we see a fault in our human partners, are we too quick to say “NEXT?”
I often think and wondering whether are we too quickly judged assumed things in relatioship. Sure there were problems..and we did break up once before. When you are in a relationship, you often take your partner for granted. But when he’s gone, you realise what you had. I did not want anyone to make the same mistake or look back and realise it’s too late to go back and fix thing.. Having said that I wondered if time did change things? Pros versus Con…happy versus sad?
While we are still on the heights of excitement from watching the best Oscar show ever, I would like to point your attention to the best speech of the evening bellow on video. Dustin Lance Black who won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar for writing Milk said some great things that should be heard all over this country. My boyfriend called me the night after the awards were given and mentioned that I had to find and watch the VDO of this Lance guy. The speech that it shook up all the anti gay marriage to the core. Also hope-giving to the people in LGBT to have something to look up for and keep believing that one of these days our rights to be equal in marriage will soon be arriving. I then searched his speech and found and not to my surprise of what MILK's success in many awards. I watched this film a while ago and certainly agreed with all its success.
The VDO was one of the tearjerkers of the night but his speech especially one of the best that I had ever heard.... GO LANCE!
In openly gay writer Dustin Lance Black's moving acceptance speech he called for LGBT equality:
"If Harvey had not been taken from us 30 years ago, I think he'd want me to say to all of the gay and lesbian kids out there tonight who have been told that they are less than by their churches or by the government or by their families that you are beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that no matter what anyone tells you, God does love you and that very soon, I promise you, you will have equal rights, federally, across this great nation of ours." Black explained that he was 13 years old from a conservative Texas family when he first heard the story of Harvey Milk and that the story gave him the courage to be himself and to believe that he could live an open life, be accepted and even fall in love and get married.
Black's wedding ring glowed in the bright lights and he wore a white knot. In the crowd, the Milk producers also wore white knot, a symbol of support for marriage equality. During Sean Penn's acceptance speech he also called attention to LGBT equality.
"I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support. We've got to have equal rights for everyone,”
I am not expecting any chocolates or flowers on this up coming Saturday. I normally try not to celebrate this Hallmark holiday. Instead, I use the day to treat myself and buy myself something nice, something that will enrich my life instead of my thighs. This year, I am giving myself hell load of movies marathon...
This is my frist year that I actually have someone in my life that is the greatest gift for this special V day. He might not be around here but I know atless I have someone to think of. Love comes in many kind of shapes and shades.... V day is not only to celberate with girlfriend or boy friends but loved ones.
For those who are single in this sleepless city of Bangkok, put on a happy face! According to some study "happiness is a science that can be learned even by born pessimists." Yes, we can be single and happy. A new type of psychology is taking off and soon will be arriving to you at your door steps.
Positive psychology is all about optimism and positive thoughts. There is research that backs this happy bandwagon up. "Optimists succeed better in most professions (except for lawyers who are better off as pessimists), optimists had better immune systems and lived longer." And positive singles make for better dates. Who wants to date someone who is cynical and negative!!
Some university is going to offer a degree in positive psychology in the next few years. Are you smiling yet? Think positive thoughts...I will look amazing walking down Silom street ...I do have a six pack ( keep telling yoruself that either having it or containing it!!!) It is working, I feel happier! No need to go to the gym....where's that bacon! True happiness is hard to achieve.
There are three states, according to positive psychologists. The pleasant life (the happiness after good sex), the engaged life (happiness that comes for what you do) and the meaningful life (this is the positive psychology).
So if you are lacking some happiness and optimism, positive psychologists gives us some tips:
Plan an ideal, fun day for your partner or family. If you are single, plan a fun day for YOU.
Record every night three things that went well during the day and why they went well.
Write a letter of thanks to someone who made a big difference in your life whom you never properly thanked.
Increase your optimism by learning to recognize and dispute catastrophic thoughts.
Use your strengths in a new way. Even any bad date can have positive outcomes!
So get out there and smile!
As my wise grandma (a very happy lady) used to say, your smile is your best accessory!
A new survey suggests that men are as body-obsessed as women. Most of the respondents said they hated their stomachs and a quarter had issues with their entire bodies. I hate my stomach too!
Gay men and especially gay men in Bangkok are no exception! Everyone here is body conscious. We are bombarded daily with pictures of smooth chests, pecs, massive arms, six packs and perfect stomachs and abs! Everyone looks like they could be on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine!
Defined, toned and muscular are in…..chubby, stocky and bearish are out! Do I join the gym?…a question every gay man must ask himself. It seems we all have a warped sense of what our bodies actually look like.
The drive to have the perfect body can have some serious unhealthy consequences. According to various surveys, around one in four Australian men in the healthy weight range believe themselves to be fat, while 17 per cent of men are on a weight loss diet at any given time.
The drive to be big and muscular (nothing wrong with that) is also driving some men to use steroids. Body vanity is on the rise. Our grandparents or even fathers did not feel the pressure to have the perfect underwear model look. It's estimated that about 45 per cent of men are unhappy with their bodies to some degree, compared with only 15 per cent some 25 years ago.
So if we are more vein, whom do we actually want to look like? It seems we all want to have the body of David Beckham or Brad Pitt, according to the survey.
As I get older, I seem to be more comfortable with my body. I still want bigger arms and a flatter stomach or bigger pecs. But I am still refusing to join the gym (the gay church) . I maybe the only gay in the village not at the gym. Doctors say the focus should be less on the body and more on the overall health. Unless it is my gay doctor who focuses more on the body! I used to have a toned body from age of 22-26 years old. I could easily say that people were more appreciated then than now. I usually like to tone myself up just before the circuit party for my own comfort when it comes to take my shirt off. This year was different, I felt I aged and matured more than just wanted to concentrate my entire time just to impress people.
I went to those parties and seen gym bunnies and all muscle Mary , looked like a bunch of Arnold wanna-be or walked out from Steriods Weekly magazine and I couldn’t help to think of how many hour a day they spend at the gym? Or was it because Gay has more possibility to have sex at the GYM ? For the first time in years I didn’t enjoy the crowds but the music and venue were amazing. After New Year I went to some an infamous gay club and was told at least 3 people that I didn’t look good and FAT. I never had a problem about the way I look before and considered myself as a self confident kind person but to hear those insulting words from the fowl mouths and the way they looked pity on me I couldn’t help but felt lost a lot of my self confident that night and later cried when I got home. I came to think was it because they said those words that I cried? Was it because I looked that bad? NO! the answer I had after a long considering and a talk to my boy friend was that I was a target of insulting and they judged me from exterior and the way I look. Of course we do judge by appearance that what GAYS do, but I am 29 years old and I am over it.
I look after myself, keep myself happy, eat well and healthy that should be enough. I do not need people to tell me what I should look. I had a look, I was admired, I was appreciated ….those were in the past. Right now I am enjoying what I am doing or eating. I have jobs, friends, family, heath and a loving boy friend… that’s enough for me… I’ll say before judging me... go JUDGE yourself and ask what you have in life before decided to insult other people.
They are more important thing in my life I want to concentrate with beside making an impressive pec or taking steroid…
I AM CURVY and I LIKED IT… get OVER IT HONEY! And take a chill pill!
I really enjoyed reading this sis! I agree, as long as u r happy with urself why care about what others think or say. For me, I love my abs and I'm so vein (hehe, sorry to say). However, what I find most important in life is leading a healthy and happy life, and have a family who cares for u. Good body is just an added value.
This has been another year of extreme weather conditions, falling Politic, sex scandals, and brainless journalism of Britney and Paris happenings. I can hardly believe its December and almost time to celebrate the beginning of a new, exciting year of 2009. New Years Days fall on Wednesday, Thursdays and Friday which makes this years celebration longer since we will have to extend an extra party day .Assuming everyone can handle that many days. It seems the circuit party calendar has some major events lined up via G Circuit and Mighty Asia, two main parties organizers are hand in hand bringing their best Djs to rock the dance floor for 4 days in a row. There is a party scheduled in Centara Hotel and Moonstar Studido in Bangkok.These events will surely be the huge start off year 2009 for all GLBT community social elites. Be prepared for the hottest party night of the year which is also the last night of the year. It is a night to look forward to starting over with New Years resolutions. Here are the top things to consider when preparing to party on New Years Eve: 1. Time - you must get out early to party so you do not miss the countdown.
2. Parking - this will be the ultimate bitch.
3. VIP Passes or Tickets in Advance - buy tickets a week or a few days in advance to avoid some of the huge lines (and save money).
4.New Meat - remember all the people who never go out come on New Years so dress your best. Oh yeah.. bring condoms - no telling how drunk you’re going to get .
5. Party Favors - make sure you plan this in advance. Everything seems to be marked up for New Years Weekend even party favors (hats and glow sticks of course).
6. Alcohol - good luck - the lines to the bar will be crazy. I cannot advise drinking and driving on your way out but I do advise ordering a double so you don’t have to go back to the bar as many times.
New Years is the start of a new day and everyone favorite night to be out. It is a night to love people and hug and kiss them once the clock strikes midnight while you are in the most joyous state. It might even be the night to meet the love of your life.
For every relationship I have had, there were always have an expiration date on them. Expiration dating is when you enter a relationship that has a defined, predetermined end date. It's nothing personal to the guy I'm dating. I can usually tell how long a relationship will last. By the time the relationship has reached its expiration date, I'm out of there before it starts to spoil and curdle.
It could be out of coincidence or sometimes it just happens that way. It has become a safety net for all my relationships that I've learned to be comfortable with.
Although my reasons may not seem logical, it works for me. People have their reasons for expiration dating other than judging their own relationship before they start having it, like I do. Some couples they can't beat the inevitable. In the meantime, they enjoy their time together then move on with their separate lives.
They were both very much in love and very career driven.They knew that this day would eventually come. You would think, "If they really loved each other then how come those crazy lovebirds couldn't work things out?" They discussed different options, alternatives, but nothing that they could conclusively agree on. So they agreed that breaking up was the right decision for both of them. It started to become a secret game I played with myself called "The Expiration Dating Game" where you guess the magic number on how long this relationship will last. Relationships are like fresh produce, you have to make good use of them before they go bad. By date two I can tell whether or not this relationship is doomed to hell or meant for great things. Would that make me too presumptuous? So far I've been on the money each and every time.
When I started dating my ex, I had a feeling where things were going to go. I didn't have an exact road map of our relationship but I had an idea where it would lead to. I knew this by our second date. We were having a good time. We were laughing, flirting, and exchanging witty banter. That's when I knew. That's when I knew that we would be something special. After that, I immediately stamped a 2-year expiration date on him. So we set ourselves an expiration date before we start rotting our lives away waiting for the relationship to magically change overnight. What if there's a possibility that they will never come? We would forever become slaves to our relationship. For some reason or another, many of us stay in relationships past their expiration date. I never stayed past my relationship's expiration date. I thought if I stayed longer than the expiration date then it would just spoil from there. I would imagine we would get green and moldy, and then make each other go crazy.Or what if the relationship was so passionate, so loving that it would eventually burst and fall apart? It's like blowing up a balloon. The balloon gets bigger and bigger. If you continue to blow, it will eventually expand; finally reach its peak then all of a sudden, POOF! The passion and intensity is gone. So you make sure you don't blow too hard before it pops. Or what if the relationship was going through a tough time? We may tell ourselves that things will change or even out. And although that may happen, sometimes it doesn't. So we set ourselves an expiration date before we start rotting our lives away waiting for the relationship to magically change overnight. How long could we wait for those changes to happen? What if there's a possibility that they will never come? We would forever become slaves to our relationship.
At this point my expiration of my latest relationship will be ended in few days and this is probably the first time in my relationship life that I actually feel pain of losing. However life goes on , we had talked about it before even started it but I still wanted to feel and be in relatioship with him. I kept telling myself ' just enjoy the moment you have ' which what I did and now it's time!
You might think that 's an unhealthy relationship I have but I am a person who like to have a chance to be loved rather than never been loved at all. . and if we were meant of each other, then we will meet again. I know I will be a mess and devastated , but that is life! When you fell , you hurt, you cried and then you picked up yourself and continue living. What doesnt kill us will toughen and make us stronger.
This blog I would like to dedictae to him , who had make me happy and smile once again. You were the few good things that happened to me this year. Thank you for accepting who I am and never judged me of mistake I have made. Thank you for being in life and made me feel luckiest guy on earth.
Que Serra Serra my love... you will always be the special someone for me for the rest of my life.
My friend asked me if my boyfriend was the one. My friend M keeps looking for the one. Some people only date to find the one. Many of us do not believe in the one. Others spend their whole life looking for that one that will make them complete. Some people found the one and his name is Jesus!
It is a romantic notion. One person out there who will make you complete..who will make you whole and who will make you happy. Some would say this is total co-dependant behaviour and it will only lead to sadness and frustration.
How do you know if you have found the one? Or the one for now? There are 7 billion people on earth, surely there is more than one person out there who will make a great life companion, will laugh at your jokes and share your dreams. What if the one is in Tibet? Or in Ireland? I once thought the one was in Norway.
Is life just one big race to find him? Or shall we stop looking and find the one in ourselves. I do not believe in soulmates. I do not need to be made into a whole. In a partner I seek love and compatibility. Relationships like everything in life have a life span…they end, begin again and the whole cycle repeats itself over and over again. Some are only temporary, some are for a few months or years and some are just for one night. But the long term relationship is with yourself, now that lasts a lifetime.
I need to repost this article ,esp for this up coming fatherday :)
RUNNING TOWARDS INCLUSION...
Dick and Rick Hoyt are a father-and-son team from Massachusetts who together compete just about continuously in marathon races. And if they’re not in a marathon they are in a triathlon — that daunting, almost superhuman, combination of 26.2 miles of running, 112 miles of bicycling, and 2.4 miles of swimming. Together they have climbed mountains, and once trekked 3,735 miles across America.
It’s a remarkable record of exertion — all the more so when you consider that Rick can't walk or talk.
For the past twenty five years or more Dick, who is 65, has pushed and pulled his son across the country and over hundreds of finish lines. When Dick runs, Rick is in a wheelchair that Dick is pushing. When Dick cycles, Rick is in the seat-pod from his wheelchair, attached to the front of the bike. When Dick swims, Rick is in a small but heavy, firmly stabilized boat being pulled by Dick.
At Rick’s birth in 1962 the umbilical cord coiled around his neck and cut off oxygen to his brain. Dick and his wife, Judy, were told that there would be no hope for their child’s development.
"It’s been a story of exclusion ever since he was born," Dick told me. "When he was eight months old the doctors told us we should just put him away — he’d be a vegetable all his life, that sort of thing. Well those doctors are not alive any more, but I would like them to be able to see Rick now. "
The couple brought their son home determined to raise him as "normally" as possible. Within five years, Rick had two younger brothers, and the Hoyts were convinced Rick was just as intelligent as his siblings. Dick remembers the struggle to get the local school authorities to agree: "Because he couldn’t talk they thought he wouldn’t be able to understand, but that wasn’t true." The dedicated parents taught Rick the alphabet. "We always wanted Rick included in everything," Dick said. "That’s why we wanted to get him into public school."
A group of Tufts University engineers came to the rescue, once they had seen some clear, empirical evidence of Rick’s comprehension skills. "They told him a joke," said Dick. "Rick just cracked up. They knew then that he could communicate!" The engineers went on to build — using $5,000 the family managed to raise in 1972 - an interactive computer that would allow Rick to write out his thoughts using the slight head-movements that he could manage. Rick came to call it "my communicator." A cursor would move across a screen filled with rows of letters, and when the cursor highlighted a letter that Rick wanted, he would click a switch with the side of his head.
When the computer was originally brought home, Rick surprised his family with his first "spoken" words. They had expected perhaps "Hi, Mom" or "Hi, Dad." But on the screen Rick wrote "Go Bruins." The Boston Bruins were in the Stanley Cup finals that season, and his family realized he had been following the hockey games along with everyone else. "So we learned then that Rick loved sports," said Dick.
In 1975, Rick was finally admitted into a public school. Two years later, he told his father he wanted to participate in a five-mile benefit run for a local lacrosse player who had been paralyzed in an accident. Dick, far from being a long-distance runner, agreed to push Rick in his wheelchair. They finished next to last, but they felt they had achieved a triumph. That night, Dick remembers, "Rick told us he just didn’t feel handicapped when we were competing."
Rick’s realization turned into a whole new set of horizons that opened up for him and his family, as "Team Hoyt" began to compete in more and more events. Rick reflected on the transformation process for me, using his now-familiar but ever-painstaking technique of picking out letters of the alphabet:
" What I mean when I say I feel like I am not handicapped when competing is that I am just like the other athletes, and I think most of the athletes feel the same way. In the beginning nobody would come up to me. However, after a few races some athletes came around and they began to talk to me. During the early days one runner, Pete Wisnewski had a bet with me at every race on who would beat who. The loser had to hang the winner’s number in his bedroom until the next race. Now many athletes will come up to me before the race or triathlon to wish me luck."
It is hard to imagine now the resistance which the Hoyts encountered early on, but attitudes did begin to change when they entered the Boston Marathon in 1981, and finished in the top quarter of the field. Dick recalls the earlier, less tolerant days with more sadness than anger:
"Nobody wanted Rick in a road race. Everybody looked at us, nobody talked to us, nobody wanted to have anything to do with us. But you can’t really blame them - people often are not educated, and they’d never seen anyone like us. As time went on, though, they could see he was a person — he has a great sense of humor, for instance. That made a big difference."
After 4 years of marathons, Team Hoyt attempted their first triathlon — and for this Dick had to learn to swim. "I sank like a stone at first" Dick recalled with a laugh "and I hadn’t been on a bike since I was six years old."
With a newly-built bike (adapted to carry Rick in front) and a boat tied to Dick’s waist as he swam, the Hoyts came in second-to-last in the competition held on Father’s Day 1985.
The Hoyts’ mutual inspiration for each other seems to embrace others too — many spectators and fellow-competitors have adopted Team Hoyt as a powerful example of determination. "It’s been funny," said Dick "Some people have turned out, some in good shape, some really out of shape, and they say ‘we want to thank you, because we’re here because of you’."
Rick too has taken full note of their effect on fellow-competitors while racing:
"Whenever we are passed (usually on the bike) the athlete will say "Go for it!" or "Rick, help your Dad!" When we pass people (usually on the run) they’ll say "Go Team Hoyt!" or "If not for you, we would not be out here doing this."
Most of all, perhaps, the Hoyts can see an impact from their efforts in the area of the handicapped, and on public attitudes toward the physically and mentally challenged.
Rick’s own accomplishments, quite apart from the duo’s continuing athletic success, have included his moving on from high school to Boston University, where he graduated in 1993 with a degree in special education. That was followed a few weeks later by another entry in the Boston Marathon. As he fondly pictured it: "On the day of the marathon from Hopkinton to Boston people all over the course were wishing me luck, and they had signs up which read `congratulations on your graduation!’"
Rick now works at Boston College’s computer laboratory helping to develop a system codenamed "Eagle Eyes," through which mechanical aids (like for instance a powered wheelchair) could be controlled by a paralyzed person’s eye-movements, when linked-up to a computer.
Together the Hoyts don’t only compete athletically; they also go on motivational speaking tours, spreading the Hoyt brand of inspiration to all kinds of audiences, sporting and non-sporting, across the country.
Rick himself is confident that his visibility — and his father’s dedication — perform a forceful, valuable purpose in a world that is too often divisive and exclusionary. He typed a simple parting thought:
"The message of Team Hoyt is that everybody should be included in everyday life."
I'm twenty nine. I have my job. I love my love. And I guess there is a part of me that realizes how so much of my life resembles many songs. I love playing with the kids and enjoy watching some cheesy DVD. I feel lost, though. I'm not entirely sure why. I talked to friends who are living the overseas experience and there is a part of me that feels jealous - not because I hate this city, but because everything for me will be different.
I remember thinking that I would be living in New Zealand, even on a farm where I have a bf, friends, and take care of my parents in the same environment where I work, feeling as though I was living something radical. Who knows, maybe I'd even grow an organic garden and get those black-rimmed glasses and really seem green.
It's not just that, though. I realize how superficial all of that is. It's more the sense of fragmentation that bothers me. I feel as if I am trying to fit in with a standardized society and culture that wars against my soul and that strikes me as banal; and the longer I try to work within the system, the more I feel as though I cannot be myself. I used to have everything under my feet and considered I was happy in my life. I have money, friends and family and even loving someone. In life we all face all the consequent of your own action and sometimes you had never realized it might have effect other people s’feeling. Recently, I have done something that caused someone dearest to my heart feeling differently towards me and for the reason of that I am sorry from bottom of my heart. People are different that why all of us are unique, we came from different places that why we share different thought. What we do or did was a product of experience and opportunity. Decision making doesn’t have a foundation. You sometimes do think without thinking and hopefully just (maybe) there is someone asks you why you do or even understand without delivering a word. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to hang out with people over a cup of coffee and share life together. I want to spend time with my special someone, without having my mind wandering toward my career or future plans. I want to have more of the long, meandering conversations with my friends and lover, where we share the innermost part of each other. I want my life to connect, so that I don't feel as if my life runs on a spreadsheet.
I realize that I get to write my blog, but it's in streaming ones and zeroes in a cyberspace so lonely that I rarely receive even one comment on a blog post - where I have to self-censor because I know it is too long for a digital medium
I want the freedom to be who I am or at least to be okay with the fact that I will never fit into the stereotype of anyone. You may wondering what am I writing and may sound doesn’t make any sense. Well my life at the moment doesn’t make any sense either. I am just ranting my heart out hopefully anyone of you would understand a silver lining that hidden between this blog.
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
Santi maybe you have to look deep in yourself and ask what are your goals in life. have you done everything you ever wanted? dont let the constraints of society chain you, because ultimately only you can make yourself happy. Atleast you know what to do... you just gotta do it!. I watched this movie the other day "the bucket list" a very touching movie about the last days of a dying mans life - watch it! maybe it will make you realize that living each day is already a merit anyone can ask for. Hang in there buddy!
thank you Nakul , I am now feeling much better .. it was just a moment in life that everything you do seems wrong and no where to go... I will surely check that movie out and thank you once again :)
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