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Thanks Taobao! 6 weird and wonderful finds this April

Taobao is a magical, mysterious, utterly unknowable place. It’s a place where beautiful (and affordable) furniture exists! A place you can purchase clothes and bags and toys to your heart’s content — and then some. But it’s also a place that posits questions. Who needs this? Who would want this? Who is buying this?

At some point, my research for “Thanks Taobao!” has devolved from the original brief — funny, sorta wacky knick-knacks one cannot find anywhere else on the internet but Taobao — to things I might just need to buy. That’s a turnabout way to saying there are lots of pillows in April’s edition of “Thanks Taobao!” because the algorithm has submerged my page fully within the cutesy homeware genre. Happy to be here.

BRB, Adding These 6 Taobao Finds To Cart:

It was Oscar Wilde, not a faceless Hallmark copywriter, that once spoke into existence: “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” Well, then, Rich Brian — then, known as Rich Chigga in 2017 when this specific PIZZASLIME collab dropped — can truly feel flattered. Discovering your art as bootleg is almost a rite of passage. On Taobao? Even more so. It means you made it! You’re big in China! You’re so wanted, there must be more of you!

Cherries! A poufy “You Are Amazing” slogan patch! Gelato pastel colourways! A bag shaped like a triangle! Big “kidult” (portmanteau of “kid” and “adult”) energy! More cherries! There’s just a lot to love about this SEEU SODA-illustrated make-up pouch — or, snack pouch; or, knick-knacks pouch — and if your make-up is currently mobile in zippered sacks of black and grey, perhaps consider a much more fun option. Like this.

This magnified desiccant-inspired throw pillow — I learned the word from that episode of Seinfeld, too — is the perfect bedroom decor if you wish to feel very, very small. Small enough to pretend your double bed fits inside a satin-lined pocket of an excellent blazer. Small enough to pretend you’re simply resting inside a big bag of almonds.

Yes, I know “pain” means “bread” en français. But there’s humour to be found in a little fridge magnet holding five miniature baguettes in a burlap sack with said word printed over top, like a hurting message from a tortured baker. As is the choice of “BREAD” impressed on what’s very much a croissant. Cute magnets, though.

This is a pillow disguised as a dictionary that then opens up to a page inscribed with Martin Luther King Jr.’s seminal “I Have a Dream” speech. Taobao: truly the marketplace for anything you can dream up. Or not dream up.

There’s no need to tether your daily H2O intake to boring Nalgene water bottles — not when these flower cups exist looking exactly like the kind of doodley creations you’d draw as a child. Cute! Maybe don’t drink anything out of these other than water, though; might be a monster to clean.

Header and featured image courtesy of SEEU SODA and bigpotato赵土‘s respective Taobao pages
Joey Wong
Retired Tumblr girl Joey has written her way through fashion trends, youth culture and luxury retail in New York and Hong Kong. Beyond internet adventures tracking down the perfect vintage find, you can probably catch her tufting rugs, swigging back Bloody Marys — her third, probably — and making fastidious spreadsheets about her Animal Crossing island.
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